My mum's friend is turning 50 this week. The friend, let's call her Phillipa, is the nicest person on earth.
I'm not nice, I've never pretended to be nice, some people think I'm nice, but it's just smoke and mirrors, baby, I'm a fucking bitch. Phillipa is nice, she makes me want to be nice, I am a different person around her because she is so lovely and sweet that I want to be like her. For about five minutes.
Her only 'failing' is that she looks a lot older than her age. Poor thing. She was a smoker and a drinker for many years, so she has deep grooves and lines on her face. She's trying to fight the aging process by bleaching her hair and it doesn't work. Basically, she's so rough even the bikers don't want her. But it's okay, because she's really nice. God, I love her!
So, my mum and I are talking about the upcoming birthday and I say, "I hope I look better than that when I hit fifty!"
And my mum says, "You look younger than your age now. Anyway, who knows if I'll make it for your 50th birthday, I might not be alive."
"What are you talking about, it's only 10 years away... You're only 72!"
"Oh, I was thinking of The Boy's 50th! I wouldn't make it for HIS 50th!"
hahahahah!!
2 comments:
"You're a fucking bitch." Well, shit that's a relief we got it out in the open, because, here I thought I was the only fucking bitch left on the planet.
Everyone is so into fairness and equality and balance and niceness and the list of bullshit goes on and on. Please don't rudely interrupt my life tell(lecture) me with your horseshit. I don't need some princess imposing their foo-foo ideas on me, now matter how well it looks in the pastel colors in their head.
Yes that's right, you're fucking rude to me in hoping the world can be a better place, rather than fucking doing something.
And you good-sayers, with all your useless pontificating about how the world "should" be in your myopic point of view, getting in the way of us good-doers have made me a fucking bitch.
Fucking bitches of the world unite, because we are the only ones that get things done and make a difference in this world.
Eebie, you're so sexy when you get worked up into a lather. Come here and let me help you be more bitchy.
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